I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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