Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
