It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
