i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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