mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
