Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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