you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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