I just made out with a guy for $7.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
