I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
