Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
