Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
