There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
