I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
