His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
