fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
