Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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