I want to stick my p in your. b.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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