Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
