The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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