I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
