Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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