I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
