He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
