I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
