Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
