I just pynch a tree in the face
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
