Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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