I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
