I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
