you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
this beer tastes like vomit already
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
that may or may not have been my penis.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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