I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
