also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
