I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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