I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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