Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
