Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
