I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
