so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
