Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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