Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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