Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
