My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
