I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
