worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
