He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
