I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
