Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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