to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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