I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
