my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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